2 Million Feds Offered Full Salary to Quit After Elon Loyalists Mistake Government for a Failing App

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal employees across the country opened their inboxes Tuesday to find a message that looked less like government policy and more like a panicked startup exit strategy.

Titled “Fork in the Road,” the email gave two million federal workers an unprecedented choice: return to the office immediately under “new expectations,” or accept a paid, duty-free “deferred resignation.”

Sources say the memo was written by a task force of Musk-affiliated disruptors recently embedded in the Office of Personnel Management. One insider claimed the memo was just a repurposed offboarding letter from when Musk laid off half of Twitter.

“They kept referring to federal employees as ‘non-engaged users,’” said one baffled OPM staffer. “At one point, someone suggested replacing meetings with ‘critical’ push notifications.”

Critics have slammed the move as reckless, but Musk loyalists defended it as “beta testing democracy at scale.” One unnamed memo contributor claimed that the “inspiration” came to him during a juice fast and an eight-hour LinkedIn binge.

At press time, a follow-up email dubbed ‘V1.1 Patch Notes’ unveiled random job purges and a gamified pension system for federal employees.