Nation Horrified to Discover Ted Cruz Now Only Thing Standing Between America and Authoritarianism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a political plot twist, Ted Cruz and Tucker Carlson have emerged as the only prominent conservatives warning Trump not to bulldoze the First Amendment in Charlie Kirk’s name.

The Trump machine, which once declared “cancel culture” the greatest threat to liberty, has rebranded its crusade as “consequence culture”—a new system where free speech is cherished until someone makes fun of Trump or takes a dig at Kirk’s “legacy.”

FCC Chairman Brendan Carr, auditioning for a mob movie, told ABC they could do things “the easy way or the hard way” after Jimmy Kimmel cracked a joke. Pam Bondi clarified that “there’s free speech and then there’s hate speech,” the latter now defined as anything mean about Trump or his friends.

Into this circus stumbled Cruz, warning the FCC’s threats were “dangerous as hell,” and Carlson, who put aside his usual obsessions to defend actual civil liberties. The result? National whiplash.

“When Ted Cruz is the voice of reason, it’s not because Ted got better,” one voter noted. “It’s because everything else got worse.”