Trump Hails Historic Coal Sale, Says “It’s Like Beanie Babies, But Dirtier”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Calling it “the hottest collectible since the ‘90s,” President Trump celebrated his administration’s massive new federal coal sale Friday, assuring Americans that “coal is about to make a huge comeback—just like Beanie Babies, but dirtier.”

The sale will open more than 20,000 square miles of federal land to coal mining. Asked who would actually buy the coal given that most power plants plan to stop burning it, Trump said, “We’ll find buyers. Maybe collectors. Maybe Elon. Maybe some of the great people in Russia—they love my stuff.”

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum praised the plan as “a bold bet on nostalgia,” while aides confirmed the administration had already begun printing limited-edition “Trump Coal Collector NFTs” featuring glossy images of lumps signed in gold Sharpie.

Economists questioned the move, noting that the coal industry has been in steady decline since 2007. Trump dismissed the criticism, calling it “fake economics” and insisting demand would surge “once people see how collectible and shiny” the product is.

At press time, the White House announced a promotional partnership with Franklin Mint to sell “Commemorative Trump Coal” in velvet display boxes for $99. Each comes with a certificate of authenticity and a coupon for one free lump at participating gas stations.