Pentagon Replaces Actual Press With Influencers, Pillow Guys, and Whatever the Hell ‘Timcast’ Is

ARLINGTON — The Pentagon unveiled its new “press corps” this week, replacing actual defense reporters with a lineup of conspiracy influencers, failed YouTubers, and at least one man best known for screaming about voting machines between naps on QVC.

The change comes after nearly every major news outlet—CNN, Reuters, The Washington Post, and even Fox News—walked out rather than sign a new “loyalty-based” press policy. The new rules require reporters not to seek unauthorized information, ask unsupervised questions, or do actual journalism—an activity now classified as a “security risk.”

Defense Department spokesperson Sean Parnell hailed the new recruits—drawn from outlets like Lindell TV, Gateway Pundit, and Turning Point USA—as “a broad spectrum of independent thinkers.” Asked what that meant, Parnell clarified: “People who think independently of reality.”

Mike Lindell celebrated his new role by promising to “report live from inside the Pentagon, assuming they let me past the gift shop.” Meanwhile, Tim Pool was spotted setting up a livestream titled Deep State Cafeteria: The Hidden War on Gluten.

When asked if the Defense Department worried about credibility, one official shrugged: “Honestly, people stopped caring about the truth years ago. Might as well have some fun with it.”