Trump’s New South America Strategy: Diplomacy Didn’t Work, So Let’s Try Explosives

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After weeks of boasting about “destroying drug boats,” President Trump on Thursday announced he’s ready to expand operations inland. “The boats were a huge success,” he said. “Now we’re taking it to the land. Mexican land, Colombian land—it’s all run by the cartels.”

White House officials defended the move, calling it “tough but fair,” though they declined to clarify who exactly was being treated fairly. “We’re going to kill people bringing drugs into the country,” Trump said. “They’re going to be, like, dead.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was ordered to “tell Congress or whatever” about the new plan, which involves identifying “drug people” then leveling whichever patch of dirt they’re on. Lawmakers expressed concern the strategy might violate international law; Trump countered that “international law didn’t vote for me.”

According to officials, the administration’s new “kinetic protocol” skips the outdated steps of intelligence, strategy, and basic humanity. “We realized diplomacy takes too long,” a Pentagon spokesperson explained. “Explosions get quicker results and look great on social media.”

Foreign leaders, meanwhile, expressed shock that the U.S. was now bombing without evidence. “It’s just murder,” said Colombia’s president, Gustavo Petro.

Pressed for comment, Trump fired back: “It doesn’t count as murder if they’re smugglers. We’re saving them from drugs, the tough-love way—just like D.A.R.E.”