Trump Orders Pentagon to “Liberate Nigeria” After Hearing There Are Christians There

PALM BEACH — Declaring what he called “a holy mission,” President Trump announced Saturday that he had ordered the Pentagon to “liberate Nigeria immediately,” after finding out they have Christians there: “Beautiful Christians, incredible Christians—some of the best in the world,” Trump claimed.

Analysts note that the declaration came shortly after several federal judges handed Trump a string of legal defeats, including his administration’s attempt to block emergency SNAP payments. When pressed about that, Trump deflected: “Look, people are hungry for leadership. Nigeria’s Christians are very hungry—I’m helping them first.”

Pentagon officials confirmed they had received no briefing materials and were “still trying to figure out what the hell this is about.” One general said the only clear instruction so far was to “pray harder and post about it.”

In response, Nigeria’s president gently reminded the U.S. that “roughly half of Nigerians are Muslim—and they face persecution too,” urging Trump to “reconsider any military crusades.”

Minutes later, Trump fired back on Truth Social: “Nigeria says half are Muslims—THEN HALF AREN’T! That’s the half we’re saving!” He ended the post by promising “total victory for Christ,” a phrase historians immediately added to their list of things that never end well.