Top 10 U.S. Billionaires’ Wealth Grew by $698 Billion the Past Year, Continuing America’s Proud Two-Party Tradition of Funnel-Up Economics

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s richest ten citizens added $698 billion to their collective fortunes over the past year, marking yet another milestone in the nation’s long, bipartisan commitment to funneling money upward.

The report from Oxfam called out both political parties for their decades-long teamwork in perfecting what experts now refer to as ‘Funnel-Up Economics’—the art of transferring wealth upward while convincing voters it’s trickling down.

“Reagan may have branded it, but every president since has kept the machine humming,” said one analyst. “Trump just turned the dial from ‘quiet extraction’ to ‘open looting.’”

Democrats and Republicans each issued statements condemning inequality and promising new committees to further study the problem. Wall Street immediately celebrated, with the Dow rising 600 points on news that nothing substantive would change.

“It’s a beautiful display of unity,” said one political strategist. “For decades, the two parties have worked tirelessly to ensure the average American gets just enough to stay quiet and believe in the dream.”

Meanwhile, nearly half of U.S. children now live in low-income households—a figure economists expect to “grow nicely” next quarter as the funnel-up strategy continues outperforming projections.

Economists note the trend is likely to continue until oxygen itself is privatized…