After Losing Every Fight Over the Epstein Vote, Trump Issues One Final Statement: “I DON’T CARE!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a whiplash-inducing reversal after losing every conceivable argument inside his own party, President Donald Trump announced late Sunday that he now fully supports releasing the Epstein files—and absolutely does not care about them in any way, shape, or form.

Trump spent the week pressuring a trio of Republicans—Lauren Boebert, Nancy Mace, and his former top disciple Marjorie Taylor Greene—to withdraw their support for a discharge petition forcing a vote. All three ignored him, joining Kentucky Republican Thomas Massie in building a veto-proof stampede toward transparency.

Sources say once Trump realized the vote would pass without him—and likely pass big—he immediately pivoted to his new position. “We have nothing to hide, and it’s time to move on,” Trump posted, referring only to Republicans and not, as observers pointed out, to himself.

Moments later he followed it with a second message featuring his trademark subtlety: “I DON’T CARE!”

White House officials maintain the meltdown was simply Trump “refocusing on priorities.” Critics, however, note that presidents who truly don’t care about something rarely spend a week trying to strangle it with both hands.

Further statements are expected, assuming Trump cares enough to write them…