Trump Says He’d Be “Proud” to Bomb Mexico; His Own Advisers Ask If He’s Ever Going to Chill for Once

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump spent Monday enthusiastically describing all the countries he’d be “proud” to bomb, beginning with Mexico and branching out into whatever else came to mind as the cameras rolled.

“Would I launch strikes in Mexico to stop drugs? OK with me,” Trump said, as his advisers exchanged nervous glances. “We know every route, every address, every front door—believe me. I looked at Mexico City over the weekend. Big problems. I’d be proud to do it.”

One adviser, reportedly on their sixth antacid of the morning, quietly asked if the president could “just chill for once”—a request Trump seemed to interpret as encouragement. “Right, no chilling,” Trump replied. “That’s why Colombia should watch out too. They’ve got cocaine factories. I’d love to hit those personally.”

Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum reiterated that U.S. military action without permission “will not happen,” a stance Trump addressed by not addressing it at all. Instead, he doubled down, claiming Mexico “knows how I stand.”

The press conference ended when aides whispered “McDonald’s is here,” successfully diverting Trump from naming additional countries he’d be ‘proud’ to bomb.