Hegseth Orders Navy To Investigate Mark Kelly, Possibly For Being Better At Everything Than Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced that the Pentagon will investigate Senator Mark Kelly for “improperly reminding troops they don’t have to carry out illegal orders,” though aides say the real trigger was Hegseth discovering Kelly’s Wikipedia page.

Hegseth’s mood shifted immediately after scrolling through Kelly’s list of combat missions, medals, and spaceflight commands. One staffer described the reaction as “a rapid emotional decline,” saying Hegseth demanded to know why Kelly was “allowed” to have that many accomplishments.

Officials say Hegseth initially framed the probe as a national security matter, but the tone shifted after he asked if it was “normal” for one man to be a combat aviator, a Navy captain, an astronaut, a shuttle commander, and a senator “without ever once hosting a Fox weekend show.”

Trump supported the probe, calling Kelly “a dangerous man who tells troops not to break the law,” adding that Kelly’s career “has been a real problem for Pete’s confidence.”

Kelly said he wasn’t sure what the Pentagon expected to uncover but would cooperate. “If they need to interview me, I’m available,” he said. “Just tell Secretary Hegseth I promise not to bring any medals, mission patches, or photographs of me in space.”