ICE Now Accepting Recruits Who Can Barely Read, Write, or Walk Uphill; DHS Calls It ‘A New Era of Inclusion’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security’s frantic push to hire 10,000 new ICE officers has reached desperate levels, as the agency now appears willing to hand badges to anyone capable of locating the door to the building.

According to internal officials, the new applicant pool includes recruits who “can barely read or write,” several who failed open-book tests, and one 469-pound man whose personal physician certified him as “not fit for any physical activity, including standing.” Despite this, DHS sources say the priority is simply “getting warm bodies in uniforms before anyone asks too many questions.”

The agency has also shortened its training program to six weeks, a curriculum described by one instructor as “mostly pointing at diagrams and hoping something sticks.” Gone are lengthy legal modules, replaced with short slideshows titled “Badge = Authority” and “Paperwork Is Optional if You Believe in Yourself.”

In one incident, a recruit requested to leave class early because he had a court date related to a gun charge. Supervisors reportedly waved him out, calling it “relevant field exposure.”

Kristi Noem praised the surge of applicants, saying DHS had received over 175,000 submissions from “patriotic Americans—many of whom bring an eagerness to learn, or at least to try learning if given several attempts.”

Despite concerns, department leaders insist the public remains safe, noting that “most officers will be supervised by someone who has, at minimum, taken an online quiz before.”