Bondi Tells FBI To Hunt Down ‘Antifa Extremists,’ Accidentally Declares War on Every Liberal Arts Major in America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi on Thursday directed federal law enforcement to “root out Antifa extremists wherever they hide,” issuing a sweeping memo so broad that agents reportedly asked whether they should start monitoring every liberal arts campus between Maine and California.

Bondi’s memo warns that domestic terrorists may be motivated by “anti-capitalism, anti-Americanism, anti-Christianity, radical gender ideology, or support for mass migration”—a framing one analyst described as “the memo equivalent of outlawing personal views.”

The directive instructs agents to scour files for suspicious behavior, such as questioning capitalism on social media, participating in a campus protest, or verbally expressing disappointment in the United States. One bullet point reportedly singles out “wearing all black on weekdays” as a possible indicator of terror sympathies.

Bondi also directed the department to update its tip line so Americans can report “suspected extremism.” Agents insist they are prepared for the workload, though one admitted the memo effectively labels “half the student body and most of the professors” as domestic threats.

“We’ll do our best,” the agent said, “but honestly, this feels like declaring war on anyone who’s ever bought a book with no pictures in it.”