One Day After Venezuela Takeover, U.S. Casually Threatens Multiple Continents

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just one day after forcibly reshaping the government of Venezuela, the United States signaled it had already entered the “who’s next?” phase of foreign policy, openly floating new threats, new targets, and new infrastructure projects abroad.

President Donald Trump suggested that Mexico, Cuba, and Colombia were all “in trouble,” clarifying that regional diplomacy would continue to be conducted primarily through vague warnings, implied force, and phrases like “they don’t really have a choice.”

Meanwhile, Trump once again insisted the U.S. “needs” Greenland, an assertion that crossed from bizarre to chilling after Katie Miller posted the single word “SOON” over an image of Greenland stamped with an American flag.

The president also hinted at additional strikes in Venezuela while announcing plans to rebuild its infrastructure, a responsibility the administration assumed immediately after determining that America’s own bridges, water systems, and power grids could probably wait.

At press time, officials emphasized that this was not imperialism, but simply America efficiently expressing its interests everywhere, all at once, without apology.