ICE Agent Shoots Man in Leg, DHS Releases Official ‘Trust Us This Time’ Statement

MINNEAPOLIS — The Department of Homeland Security released an official statement Wednesday night confirming that an ICE agent shot a man in the leg during an arrest, while politely asking Americans to please, for the love of God, just trust them this time.

DHS claims the shooting occurred after the man fled an attempted stop, crashed a vehicle, and was later joined by two other individuals who allegedly attacked the agent with a broom handle and snow shovel.

According to DHS, the latest incident unfolded exactly as described in their social media post and should not be questioned further. Officials emphasized that while previous DHS narratives may have turned out to be “misleading” or “actively insulting to human intelligence” this one is definitely different.

“This was a chaotic situation,” the department explained, using the word “chaotic” to describe literally every ICE operation now visible to the public. “The officer feared for his life,” DHS added, deploying its most trusted phrase as a get-out-of-consequences card.

Locals, however, appeared less eager to accept the latest government bedtime story. “I mean, they lied last week, so who the hell knows what actually happened,” said Minneapolis resident Aaron Lindstrom, staring at a street still smelling faintly of tear gas. “At this point, I don’t even know if a broom exists or if DHS just has a random-object generator.”

As of press time, Americans were once again asked to base their understanding of a violent ICE encounter entirely on the account of the agency responsible for causing the outrage in the first place—a system experts describe as “completely broken” and DHS describes as “working perfectly.”