Trump Clears January 6 Rioters Because “They Tried”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that left legal experts baffled, President Donald Trump issued a sweeping series of pardons, officially clearing January 6 Capitol rioters—because, in Trump’s own words, “they tried.”

On Truth Social, Trump glorified the convicted insurrectionists as “patriots who gave it their all,” praising their “tremendous effort” to stop what he called the “greatest theft in American history.”

“They stormed the Capitol like true warriors,” Trump said. “Maybe they didn’t get it done, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t try harder than anyone else. And that’s what counts.”

One pardoned rioter, who had been filmed scaling a Senate platform with a MAGA flag, thanked Trump for “finally recognizing our hustle.”

Legal analysts warned that the pardons set a dangerous precedent, effectively rewriting the rules of American democracy.

Still, many of the newly freed insurrectionists stood proud. “We may not have stopped the certification,” noted one felon, “but damn, we put on a show. You’re welcome, America.”

“Next time, we’ll do it even bigger,” Trump vowed, “and with even more patriots.”