Trump’s New Gulf of Mexico Policy: If It’s Wet and Near Us, It’s Ours

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has announced a sweeping new policy asserting that any body of water close enough to the United States to get splashed by an American’s is now officially “American territory.”

Dubbed the “If It’s Wet and Near Us, It’s Ours” doctrine, the policy was unveiled at a press conference where Trump stood in front of a giant map of the Gulf of Mexico and aggressively drew circles around anything within a two-hundred-mile radius.

“This is simple,” Trump declared. “If it’s wet, if it’s near us, it belongs to America. Mexico? Cuba? Bahamas? They’re just slums near our waters. We pay the bills, so we get to call the shots.”

Trump went on to outline plans to install American flags on disputed beaches, open luxury golf courses on sandbars, and require all fish within the newly claimed waters to be stamped with a “Property of the United States” tag.

Legal experts immediately raised concerns over international maritime laws and treaties, noting that annexing ocean territories based on proximity is “not how this works.”

But Trump waved off the objections. “We’re tired of these other countries acting like the Gulf is some kind of international pool party,” Trump said. “Not on my watch. We’re taking it back.”