Trump Demands Canada Join U.S., Calls “Suspicious Politeness” a Threat to American Values

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring Canadian manners a “clear and present danger to freedom,” President Trump on Monday announced that the United States will pursue the annexation of Canada, citing its “suspicious politeness” as a potential vector for ideological contamination.

“For years they’ve been saying ‘please’ and ‘sorry’ like it’s normal. It’s not,” Trump said from the Rose Garden. “Too polite. Too nice. What are they hiding under all that friendliness? Probably socialism. Maybe worse.”

Trump went on to call Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau “kind of like Castro, but with conditioner,” and claimed that Canadians are “trying to lull us into a false sense of friendship, the same way pandas trick zookeepers.”

The President, who imposed sweeping tariffs on Canadian goods last week while floating the idea of making Canada the 51st state, said the country’s “chronic over-politeness” is incompatible with core American values like competition, individualism, and road rage.

The move has sparked fierce backlash in Canada. At a recent Toronto Raptors game, the American national anthem was booed for the first time in recorded Canadian history.

“Very nasty gesture,” Trump said in response. “I thought they were supposed to be polite. And yet they booed? I always knew they were fake nice. Very dishonest—probably French influence.”

In a televised address, Trudeau urged calm, reminding Canadians to “channel our anger through firm handshakes and extended eye contact.”