Putin and Trump Bond Over World Domination and Deep Mutual Respect, Plan Sleepover in Saudi Arabia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Global eyebrows shot skyward this week after President Trump described his hour-long call with Vladimir Putin as “productive, intimate, and honestly kind of magical.”

According to aides, the two leaders discussed the war in Ukraine, global markets, and whether to wear matching robes when they “probably” meet in Saudi Arabia later this month.

Left off the guest list? Ukraine and basically all of Europe.

“It’s certainly… unique,” said one anonymous EU official. “We assumed we’d be included in peace talks about the war literally happening in Europe. Silly us.”

Ukraine, for its part, is trying to stay optimistic. “We’re not sure what was discussed,” said one Kyiv official. “We just hope it wasn’t our future, divided over vodka and energy talk.”

When asked about Ukraine’s role in future negotiations, Trump replied, “They’ll be there… maybe. But this is mostly between me and Vlad. We have a bond. It’s very historical. We both love maps.”

As for NATO, Trump stood firm: “We don’t need a bunch of Europeans showing up and making things complicated. This is a one-on-one situation. Me and Vlad. That’s how negotiation works.”

At press time, NATO officials were seen Googling “How to emotionally process geopolitical ghosting.”