Nuclear Weapons Experts Fired by DOGE, Rehired After 24 Hours of Sheer National Terror

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Government Efficiency accidentally fired hundreds of nuclear weapons experts last Thursday—only to frantically rehire them 24 hours later after realizing that “the nukes basically run on people.”

The firings, which affected up to 350 employees at the National Nuclear Security Administration, were part of DOGE’s ongoing crusade to reduce “deep state clutter,” with team members reportedly using a color-coded spreadsheet to identify “unnecessary humans.”

Sources say the “Department of Energy” was mistakenly flagged as “climate fluff,” despite the fact that it also oversees the nation’s nuclear weapons stockpile. By Friday morning, the nation’s entire nuclear deterrent was being managed by a single intern named Bryce.

Amid rapidly escalating internal panic, DOGE issued a reverse-termination memo by sundown. One source described the tone of the email as “frantic LinkedIn apology meets Cold War flashback.”

DOGE’s founder and leader Elon Musk addressed the incident on X late Friday with a statement that read simply: “Oops… my bad. That was actually kind of important, huh?”

Asked for clarification, Musk added, “We assumed they just worked on big batteries. Like, ColdFusion? Nobody really explained it.”

National security officials assured the public that safeguards remain in place. “At no point were our warheads entirely unmonitored,” said one spokesperson. “There was always at least one guy with clearance in the general vicinity of several missiles. I think his name was Bryce.”