U.S. Offers Ukraine A Historic Opportunity to Be Exploited Without Security Guarantees

KYIV — In what officials are calling a “forward-looking exploitation arrangement,” the Trump administration this week offered Ukraine the rare chance to hand over its vast mineral reserves in exchange for absolutely nothing.

The document, personally delivered by Vice President JD Vance in a manila folder labeled “DEAL,” outlines a proposed agreement in which the U.S. gains access to Ukraine’s rare earth minerals, while Ukraine receives the honor of being economically tethered to the United States.

“This isn’t colonialism,” said one senior U.S. official, who requested anonymity. “This is economic diplomacy with uniquely American upside.”

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, however, balked at the proposal, reportedly after noticing it contained zero security guarantees, zero commitments, and a suspicious number of vague future tense verbs like “may,” “could,” and “eventually.”

“I’m just not sure ‘trust us’ is a sufficient national defense policy,” Zelenskyy told reporters.

Despite Ukraine’s hesitation, the Trump administration remained confident the deal would move forward, noting that the minerals were “just sitting there underground doing nothing” and that America “already kind of paid for them… emotionally.”

Meanwhile, U.S. negotiators are considering sweetening the deal by letting Ukraine keep the dirt surrounding the minerals.