Sean Hannity Becomes Godfather to Trump and Musk in Televised Adoption Ceremony

NEW YORK — In a deeply emotional televised event described by some viewers as “part cult, part custody,” Sean Hannity formally adopted both President Donald Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk in a live Fox News special titled The Binding of the Billionaires.

The hour-long ceremony featured Hannity stepping onto a red-lit studio altar wearing a dark velvet cape while cradling a taxidermied bald eagle.

“I hereby take these two brilliant, misunderstood men under my loving, authoritarian wing,” Hannity declared, lifting the eagle to the sky before draping each of them in Fox News-branded cloaks. “As your Godfather, I vow to defend you against critics, consequences, and facts.”

At one point during the segment, Trump referred to Hannity as “Papa Sean,” while Musk called him “our forever anchor.” The trio later shared a ceremonial Diet Coke from a chalice, then set aflame a stack of ‘fake news’ to signal the start of their new media-bureaucracy pact.

An insider has confirmed that going forward, all future press briefings will pass through Hannity’s approval process, known internally as “Red Room Rites.”

Viewership for the broadcast reportedly broke Fox News records, with several Republican governors asking if they too could be adopted by Hannity.