White House Clarifies: Trump Only Respects Dictators Who Invade Other Countries, Not Ones Who Get Invaded

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Seeking to clarify President Trump’s latest outburst calling Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy a “dictator,” the White House held a press briefing Thursday to remind Americans that the president only uses that term negatively when referring to loser dictators.

“Zelenskyy’s problem,” Trump told reporters, “is he wants everyone to feel bad for him. ‘Oh, help me, I’m getting invaded!’ People are sick of it. Putin doesn’t whine. He wins.”

Trump went on to praise Vladimir Putin as “a very disciplined leader with tremendous real estate instincts,” adding, “When Putin takes over a region, he doesn’t ask permission. He just goes in—like me going after Bill Maher for that orangutan thing.”

Asked if he believes Putin is a dictator, Trump shook his head. “No. He’s just a guy who knows what he wants. Honestly, if Zelenskyy had just invaded Russia first, maybe I’d respect him more. But now? Sad. Very weak man.”

According to officials, Trump’s ire was triggered by Zelenskyy’s refusal to accept a recent U.S. peace proposal that would have traded most of the country’s mineral wealth in exchange for a commemorative MAGA coin and a coupon for 15% off Trump Vodka.

Sources close to the president confirmed he is open to hosting a peace summit between Ukraine and Russia, but only if Ukraine stays home.

At press time, Trump reiterated his position: “Zelenskyy needs to stop acting like a dictator and start acting more like Putin—strong, silent, and not mad at me all the time.”