Drugged-Out Musk Swings Chainsaw at CPAC, Vows to Slash Budget and Possibly Universe

OXON HILL — Blaring entrance music, flashing lights, and a faint chemical smell heralded the arrival of Elon Musk at CPAC Thursday, as the visibly altered tech billionaire swaggered onstage in wraparound shades, black gothic MAGA hat, and what appeared to be three days of unprocessed thoughts.

Gripping a blood-red chainsaw with “Deep State Slasher” spray-painted on the side, Musk revved the machine and declared that he was ready to “cut the budget, the bureaucracy, and maybe—if time permits—the very fabric of space-time itself.”

“He’s not just talking about slashing the Department of Education,” said one audience member, eyes wide. “I think he means, like, existence.”

Musk, now serving as head of the Trump administration’s Department of Government Efficiency, took swipes at imaginary enemies while shouting words like “Fed,” “forms,” and “treason” into the air. At one point he challenged “the ghost of FDR” to a duel.

Sources close to the event said Musk was operating on a mixture of zero sleep, amphetamines, and a large huff of “experimental focus vapor” from a Tesla lab in Austin.

“My mind is a storm,” he slurred when asked about his leadership style. “A swirling, violent storm. Also, I can hear math now.”

The crowd cheered as Musk pledged to audit the Federal Reserve, fire the entire IRS, and “reduce the national debt by replacing it with a JPEG.”

At press time, Steve Bannon was spotted backstage trying to wrestle the chainsaw away from Musk, who kept screaming, “I am the budget now!”