Republicans Who Oppose Trump Meet in Secret Ballroom, Immediately Called ‘RINOs’ and ‘Cucks’ by Twitter Army

WASHINGTON, D.C. — About 1,200 Republicans who still oppose Donald Trump gathered in a ballroom just blocks from the White House for the “Principles First Summit,” a rare event that was part political policy, part group therapy—but mostly an exercise in blocking online insults.

Attendees sported red hats mocking Trump’s “Make America Great Again” slogan, only to be instantly labeled “RINOs,” “cucks,” and other charming nicknames by the MAGA Twitter army.

“One minute you’re trying to talk policy, the next you’re blocking Twitter insults that sound like they were written by a fifth grader on energy drinks,” said an attendee who asked to remain anonymous, citing fears of being doxxed by a keyboard assassin.

The summit’s main goal was to map out how to loosen Trump’s iron grip on the GOP. The problem? No one could agree if they were trying to reform the party, jump ship to the Democrats, or just give up entirely and start a podcast.

Mark Cuban made a surprise appearance to remind everyone that, yes, Trump is an expert marketer—but Democrats “can’t sell worth shit,” leaving the crowd wondering if they might appear on the next episode of Shark Tank.

Back on Twitter, the MAGA crowd celebrated the summit as proof that any Republican who questioned Trump was a traitor, spamming the hashtag #CuckConvention to #1 trending.