Democracy Dies in Darkness, But First It Takes a Bezos Buyout

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to defend “freedom,” billionaire Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has narrowed The Washington Post’s opinion section to just two acceptable topics: capitalism is good, and freedom is when rich guys say things.

The shift in policy has been described as “revolutionary” by supporters and “dystopian as hell” by everyone who can read.

“Look, I still believe in freedom of speech,” Bezos said in a post on X. “I just think it’s more efficient if all the speech says the same thing. That way readers aren’t burdened by all these ideas floating around.”

Opinion editor David Shipley resigned after being informed that criticizing wealth inequality was now considered a violation of Bezos’ First Amendment, a personalized version printed on premium napkins, stored in a humidity-controlled bunker.

When asked if the changes were meant to appease President Trump, Bezos replied: “Not at all. I just think the opinion section should be a safe space—for corporate mergers.”

The new policy bans discussions of labor, climate change, and anything “with a whiff of poor.” However, articles about libertarian wolves and free-market glazing are still encouraged.

Bezos concluded his remarks by reminding readers: “You are completely free to say whatever you want. Just… maybe not here. Or anywhere I can hear it. Or ever again.”