White House Warns Colleges: “One More Op-Ed and We Take the Wi-Fi”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new escalation of its war on campus dissent, the Trump administration has issued a stern warning to universities nationwide: curb anti-Israel speech, or face the ultimate punishment—federally-mandated Wi-Fi revocation.

“We’re done playing games,” declared new Education Secretary Linda McMahon. “Colleges are bulging with free thinkers—and that’s really bad for national unity and donor confidence.”

The threat comes after Columbia University took action against senior Maryam Alwan for writing an op-ed urging the school to scale back partnerships with Israeli institutions. Federal officials described the piece as “a serious act of unlicensed thinking,” warning that allowing more could lead to “a full revocation of internet privileges—maybe even campus radio if we have to…”

President Trump weighed in on Truth Social, posting: “If these kids want to write about foreign policy, they should do it like I did—with a Sharpie on the back of a subpoena. Total disgrace!”

According to insiders, the White House has begun drafting Operation Silent Campus, a covert initiative under the Department of Ed and FCC to throttle internet speeds at any university that “exceeds its opinion quota.”

As part of the initiative, alternate content delivery systems are already being explored. Soon, student internet access could be replaced with YouTube playlists burned onto government-issued DVDs—all personally curated by Sean Hannity and labeled ‘For Educational Use Only.’