Science Cuts Spark Protests; Trump Says Researchers Should “Go Get Real Jobs”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As thousands of scientists, doctors, and researchers rallied across the country Friday to protest sweeping federal cuts to science and medical research, President Trump brushed off the outrage by suggesting the nation’s brightest minds should “go get real jobs, like trucking or oil drilling.”

“Look, we gave science a shot,” Trump told reporters while touring a shuttered CDC testing lab in Maryland. “But let’s be honest, it’s been very hit or miss. Why are we paying people to stare into microscopes when we already know what germs are?”

A spokesperson for the Department of Government Efficiency defended the cuts, saying America must prioritize “industries that produce tangible results—like prisons and real estate.” In an internal memo, DOGE claimed most research “could probably be done by asking Google or just using common sense.”

According to new guidelines, NIH scientists will be reassigned to jobs “more aligned with their skillsets,” including assembling Melania skincare kits and monitoring Elon Musk’s mood swings in real time.

Bill Nye was also reportedly tackled by Secret Service agents after attempting to deliver a peer-reviewed study to the Resolute Desk. “We don’t accept citations anymore!” one agent shouted. “This is a no-nerd zone, buddy.”

When asked if defunding cancer research might seem cruel, Trump shook his head. “We’ve already got prayer. We’ve already got vitamins. We’ve got Joe Rogan. What more do you need?”