DNC Unveils Resistance Plan: “Hope Bernie Keeps Screaming Into Bullhorn Until Things Cool Down”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold strategic rollout, the Democratic National Committee has officially announced its 2025 anti-authoritarian resistance plan: stand quietly near a window and pray Bernie Sanders doesn’t lose his voice.

“Bernie seems fired up,” said one anonymous DNC staffer while updating their LinkedIn profile. “We figured we’d give him some space to, you know, express himself. The rest of us are just waiting to see how things play out.”

While Trump accelerates the Project 2025 agenda, the DNC has taken a softer approach, reportedly workshopping slogans such as “Trust the Process” and “It’s Probably Fine.”

“We’re really trying to send a message,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. “That message being: ‘Let’s just see where this goes.’”

At 83 years old, Sanders has spent the last several weeks crisscrossing the Midwest yelling about oligarchy, while most other Democrats have responded to Trump with Instagram infographics and vague quotes citing their “concerns.”

AOC is expected to join Bernie’s tour shortly, adding a second person to what is now technically the Democratic Party’s entire resistance operation.

Back at DNC headquarters, staffers were closely monitoring Bernie’s vital signs during his rally in Michigan. “We built the whole strategy around Bernie not dying,” confessed one DNC planner. “As long as he’s upright and shouting, we don’t have to actually do anything.”