Trump Demands Panama Canal and Greenland: “America Needs More Stuff to Put My Name On”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a foreign policy move critics are calling “deeply unhinged” and “just plain 19th century,” President Trump announced a bold plan this week to seize control of both the Panama Canal and the sovereign territory of Greenland.

“Look, we built the Panama Canal, okay? So technically, we already own it,” Trump told reporters while standing beside a commemorative model labeled Trump Canal. “Panama can have a souvenir version or something, but we’re taking the real one back.”

According to White House sources, Trump became fixated on reclaiming the canal after hearing a rumor that China “might be somewhere near it,” and learning that BlackRock had invested in its ports. “I saw the name ‘Hong Kong’ and said, ‘No thank you,’” Trump explained. “We’re not doing that. We’re doing America.”

Trump also reiterated his desire to acquire Greenland, an autonomous Danish territory, saying it would be “a beautiful place for golf courses, oil drilling, and ice-themed resorts.”

“Honestly, we should own Greenland already,” Trump said. “It’s got snow, it’s white—very on-brand for us.”

At press time, sources say Trump had also begun eyeing the Suez Canal, the Falkland Islands, and “that big shiny thing in Dubai.”