Trump Promises to “Restore Justice” by Firing Everyone Who Ever Investigated Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump delivered a raucous speech Friday inside the Justice Department, promising to restore integrity by purging the agency of anyone who has ever opened a case or filed a subpoena with his name on it.

“They turned the Department of Justice into the Department of Deep State,” Trump declared, standing beneath a giant “Fighting Fentanyl” banner while simultaneously calling prosecutors who indicted him “scum,” “traitors,” and “very bad people.”

The crowd—composed of handpicked loyalists, confused DEA agents, and Attorney General Pam Bondi in a full red power suit—cheered as Trump described himself as the “chief law enforcement officer of America.”

DOJ staffers who had previously investigated Trump were reportedly escorted out during the speech to the tune of You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

“This is the greatest moment in the history of justice,” Bondi said, while FBI Director Kash Patel posed for selfies near a cardboard box labeled “DEA Evidence.”

“Justice is simple,” Trump concluded. “You’re either on my side or you’re under investigation. That’s called fairness. That’s how we win again.”