No Trial, No Problem: Border Czar Says Dartboard Method Is “Faster Than Due Process and Way More Fun”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold defense of the Trump administration’s mass deportation efforts, Border Czar Tom Homan brushed off legal concerns Sunday by touting a new “dart-based” system now in use at select ICE facilities.

“Look, due process is slow, expensive, and honestly kind of boring,” Homan said. “The dartboard keeps things moving—and morale’s never been higher.”

According to sources, ICE field offices now contain dartboards covered in printouts of migrant Facebook photos, blurred surveillance stills, and vaguely Latino-sounding names. Agents are reportedly allowed three throws per shift, with bonus points for landing on “names with silent J’s.”

“We’re not just throwing darts randomly,” Homan clarified. “We also consider anonymous tips from gang members and how mean someone looks in their profile pic.”

Asked about potential errors, Homan shrugged. “You win some, you deport some.”

Civil rights advocates say the system is unconstitutional and deeply racist. But Homan insists it’s “at least as accurate as most airport facial recognition—and much more fun to watch.”

At press time, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem was reportedly pitching a “Whack-a-Migrant” game show to major TV producers. “Americans are tired of paperwork and hearings,” Noem stated. “This brings a little excitement back to immigration enforcement.”