12-Year Low in Consumer Confidence Met With 12-Minute Laugh from Trump Economists

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As consumer confidence plummeted to its lowest level in over a decade, Trump’s Council of Economic Advisers responded with firm reassurance that “the economy is absolutely crushing it… and in a good way.”

“Americans are still out here buying Bagel Bites and Hot Pockets,” said Council chair Stephen Miran. “That doesn’t scream crisis. That screams prosperity with a microwave.”

The Conference Board’s report, which showed a steep drop in short-term financial expectations, was labeled “irrelevant” by administration officials, who instead pointed to a private internal survey conducted “at a Chick-fil-A in Tulsa.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt added that fears of a recession were “fake news planted by pessimists and probably Canada,” before pivoting to a slideshow titled Things Are Fine: Look, a Graph.

When pressed on rising tariffs and declining retail profits, Miran insisted that most Americans “aren’t even affected because they shop exclusively at gas stations now.”

At press time, the Council had launched a new campaign titled Spend Through It, encouraging citizens to “power through economic turbulence using confidence, credit cards, and really strong affirmations.”