White House Says Columbia’s Cancer Research Can Resume Once They “Stop Being Woke About Gaza”

NEW YORK — The Trump administration confirmed Wednesday that Columbia University’s life-saving cancer research could be allowed to resume “sometime soon,” but only after the school proves it has “fully rejected wokeness, especially the Gaza kind.”

“We’re not saying they can’t cure cancer,” said Education Secretary Linda McMahon. “We’re just saying they can’t cure cancer while also letting students express opinions about genocide. That’s not the American way.”

The decision to freeze $400 million in research grants has upended dozens of projects, including pediatric studies, clinical trials, and treatments for multiple types of cancer. But Trump officials say it’s worth it to send a message.

“If a few cancer patients have to suffer so Columbia can learn that free speech has consequences, they can blame the protestors,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Besides, we’re fighting one major illness already—wokeness.”

As part of the administration’s demands, Columbia must ban masked protests, rewrite academic hiring policies, and rename its Middle Eastern Studies program to something “less terrorist-adjacent.”

At press time, Columbia officials confirmed that academic freedom would remain a core value—“so long as it doesn’t offend anyone in Washington.”