Frozen and Alone, JD Vance Describes Greenland Trip as “Spiritual… in a Jesus-in-the-Arctic Kind of Way”

GREENLAND — After being ghosted by nearly the entire civilian population of Greenland, Vice President JD Vance spent Friday wandering the windblown tarmac of a U.S. military base, calling the experience “chilling—but in a redemptive, biblical sense.”

Originally billed as a goodwill tour with Second Lady Usha Vance, the trip was quietly scaled back after Greenlanders refused to meet with either of them. Local reports say U.S. officials “knocked on one door after another” in search of hosts, only to receive the same response: “No thank you.”

Undeterred, Vance pivoted to a solo appearance at the Pituffik Space Base, where he spoke solemnly to a row of frost-covered folding chairs.

“I’m reminded of Christ’s journey,” Vance told a thin crowd of military personnel forced to attend. “He too wandered alone, misunderstood, in a frozen land that didn’t recognize its savior.”

Temperatures dipped below zero as Vance continued his remarks, pausing occasionally to warm his hands over a flickering heat lamp. Usha Vance, who reportedly spent the day in the base cafeteria, declined public comment.

Despite the total diplomatic failure, Vance described the visit as a breakthrough moment. “I was tested in the wilderness,” he said. “And like our Lord, I emerged with frostbite and wisdom.”