Markets Crash as Trump Introduces Quantum Tariff Theory: “They Exist in All States Until Observed”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the global economy convulsed for the third straight day, President Trump reassured Americans Tuesday that his trade policy was “not confusing—just advanced,” unveiling what he called Quantum Tariff Theory.

“Tariffs are both permanent and not permanent,” Trump said confidently. “They exist in all possible states until you observe them. That’s how trade works now—quantum trade.”

Trump compared the uncertainty to “the cat in the box thing,” referring to Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment. “The tariffs are in the box. Maybe they’re dead, maybe they’re alive. Either way, they’re tremendous tariffs.”

Financial markets recoiled in horror as economists tried to model trade scenarios using probability waves and a Magic 8-Ball. “It’s impossible to price risk,” one JPMorgan analyst said. “We can’t tell if we’re in a recession or a hallucination.”

Reporters attempting to clarify the White House’s goals were told that “multiple contradictory objectives can coexist—as long as no one asks follow-up questions.”

When asked how this theory applies to trade partners, Trump explained: “It’s simple. You tell one country it’s permanent. You tell another it’s negotiable. Then you tell Wall Street they’re gonna be rich. Boom. Everybody’s happy.”