Trump Posts Stock Tip, Delays Tariffs, Makes Cronies Rich — Democrats Respond by Promising Strongly Worded Email

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump once again demonstrated his uncanny ability to blur the line between governance and insider trading Wednesday, posting a Truth Social message urging followers to “BUY!!!” just hours before pausing his own tariffs—a move that sent markets soaring and added millions to the portfolios of his richest friends.

The early morning post, signed “DJT,” was treated by investors as a divine prophecy. By 1 p.m., Trump had announced a 90-day tariff freeze, prompting a 9.5% surge in the S&P 500 and a 22% spike in shares of Trump Media. Financial analysts described the phenomenon as “a presidential pump-and-dump—but hey, at least the markets are up.”

Trump, speaking to a room full of beaming billionaires Thursday, said, “You listened! You bought! You’re welcome!” before signing a stack of printed Truth Social posts with a gold Sharpie.

“This reeks of corruption,” said Dem Senator Adam Schiff, “and we will hold hearings just as soon as we finish arguing about how strongly worded the email should be.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly drafting his next tip: “BUY FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS NEVER.”