Law Firms Cave to The Don’s Demands: “You Don’t Say No To the Boss”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that legal experts are describing as “totally normal if you live in a Scorsese movie,” President Trump announced Friday that five major law firms have agreed to provide hundreds of millions in free legal work after what insiders are calling a “cordial but coercive” series of backroom chats.

“Nothing shady,” Trump assured reporters. “Just a little negotiation. I told them, you can either do some nice things for the administration—or you can deal with some very unfortunate executive orders. Nobody wants that. Very sad. Very tragic for your firm, and maybe your family.”

The law firms—Kirkland & Ellis, Simpson Thacher, Allen Overy Shearman Sterling, Latham & Watkins, and Cadwalader—will now be working pro bono for causes Trump’s team claims to care about, like veterans and “fighting woke stuff.” In return, they get to continue existing.

While some legal scholars are calling it extortion, Trump dismissed the concern: “It’s not a threat, it’s a beautiful deal. They help me, I don’t obliterate them with my unchecked power. That’s called friendship.”

One partner at a major firm, speaking anonymously while checking for wiretaps, admitted the deal wasn’t entirely out of love. “Let’s just say when The Don knocks on your door, you open it—and you don’t ask why he’s holding a pen and a Tommy gun.”