Acting ICE Director Says Mass Deportation Will Be “As Efficient as Amazon, But with More Razor Wire”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced Friday that its deportation system is being overhauled to operate “just like Amazon”—except with more secrecy, fewer legal rights, and significantly more barbed-wire fencing.

“Our goal is to deliver people back to their countries of origin faster than ever,” said Acting ICE Director Todd Lyons. “We’ve studied Amazon’s fulfillment model closely, and we think there’s real potential for synergy.”

The revamped program includes expanded private detention contracts, remote holding sites far from legal aid, and a sleek tracking system that allows agents to monitor detainee status in real-time. “We can now sort, store, and ship immigrants with unprecedented efficiency,” Lyons claimed.

ICE has already awarded billions in contracts to private prison firms, many of which have adopted trendy startup terms like “removal-as-a-service” and “cloud-based family separation.” Shareholders responded positively, with one GEO Group exec claiming the reforms will “supercharge the industry.”

When pressed on whether the new program might violate basic human rights, one official shrugged: “Look, if Amazon can lose a few packages and nobody cares, what’s the problem here?”

At press time, the system had flagged several toddlers as “high-priority removals” due to their weight and portability.