Trump Tariffs Raise Baby Costs as GOP Wonders Why Millennials Refuse to Breed Like Mice

WASHINGTON D.C. — With baby products now slapped with tariffs as high as 145%, expecting parents across America are realizing that having a child in 2025 requires either generational wealth—or generational delusion.

But Republican leaders remain flummoxed. “Young people used to start families by 22 with nothing but a rusty pickup and three prayers,” said Sen. Josh Hawley. “Now they’re whining about ‘housing’ and ‘diaper inflation.’”

The average cost of a child’s first year now exceeds $25,000, not counting surprise fees like “formula inflation” and “stroller tariffs.”

Still, GOP strategists remain stunned by the ongoing birthrate collapse. “We’ve made it abundantly clear that we want young people to settle down, marry early, and reproduce constantly,” said one Heritage Foundation fellow. “Why aren’t they obeying?”

GOP operatives are now commissioning a multi-million dollar study to understand why Americans with record student debt, no healthcare, and shrinking wages aren’t pumping out babies like mice.

“We’ve got to get to the bottom of this baby crisis,” noted Vice President J.D. Vance. “If we have to turn the gays straight to solve the problem, that’s what we’ll do.”