DNC Chair Moves to Ban Youth, Change, or Hope from Democratic Primaries

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stirring defense of calcified power, DNC Chair Ken Martin announced plans Thursday to ensure the Democratic Party never again faces the horrific threat of new ideas or energized voters.

The proposal comes after Vice Chair David Hogg, who is under the age of 40 and therefore suspicious, launched an independent effort to fund primary challengers against longtime Democratic incumbents. Martin called the move “dangerously democratic” and warned it could lead to “an outbreak of dangerous candidates.”

“Primaries aren’t for choosing candidates,” Martin clarified. “They’re for rubber-stamping whichever 7-term benchwarmer we’ve got queued up. It’s called stability.”

The proposed bylaw change would prevent DNC officers from supporting any candidate in a primary—even if that candidate is wildly popular with voters.

Hogg, who rose to national prominence as a student activist and survivor of the Parkland shooting, argued that the party needs new blood. Martin responded by quietly unfollowing him on LinkedIn.

Pressed on how the party plans to win over disillusioned young voters, Martin said, “Easy—we’ll bring in Obama to do a podcast and hope nobody notices we’re running the same candidates we ran last time around.”