Trump’s Cabinet Ordered to Submit Weekly Costume Changes, Action Shots, and Loyalty Oaths

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under a new White House policy titled Be Loud, Be Loyal, Be Cool, Trump Cabinet members must now submit weekly media packages including three costume changes, two action videos, and a short loyalty oath delivered with “direct eye contact.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly embraced the directive, sending in six shirtless deadlift videos and a slow-mo clip of him whispering “For freedom” before throwing a kettlebell through drywall.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem went full cosplay, posting photos in a Coast Guard jumpsuit, a bedazzled cowgirl hat, and a bulletproof ICE vest while holding a rifle dangerously close to an agent’s head.

Kash Patel, never one to be outdone, released a montage of himself chainsawing ‘fake news’ logos next to a flaming effigy of the New York Times editorial board.

When asked about the new policy, Trump beamed: “Have you seen these people? It’s incredible. We’ve got action shots, milfs, explosions, you name it… People are saying it looks better than Mission: Impossible, except real. Way more patriotic. Way more badass.”