Laura Loomer’s X Account Upgraded to Official Government Department

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that legal scholars are calling “absolutely unconstitutional, but not surprising,” the White House has formally upgraded Laura Loomer’s personal X account into a cabinet-level agency now known as the Loyalty Vetting Bureau.

Modeled loosely after the FBI but with fewer rules and a higher post frequency, the LVB’s primary function is to scour social media for perceived disloyalty to President Trump and immediately recommend terminations, purges, or public shaming.

The LVB’s authority was confirmed after DOJ prosecutor Adam Schleifer was fired within one hour of Loomer posting about him, which the White House described as “a successful pilot program.”

“She’s not just an influencer anymore,” said National Security Adviser Mike Waltz. “She’s an enforcement mechanism.”

According to insiders, LVB agents operate entirely through tweets, meme replies, and podcast segments. Critics have voiced concern about giving national security influence to someone who once handcuffed herself to Twitter HQ and claimed 9/11 was an inside job—but supporters say her vetting style is “refreshingly spite-based.”

Asked about Loomer’s new role, Trump was enthusiastic: “Laura’s a patriot with great instincts and even better engagement. The Deep State had paper-pushers—we have the LVB.”