MAGA Demands Old Testament Pope Who’s Less Into That ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ Crap

VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV’s first day on the job ended with an unusual demand from the American right: less “Jesus stuff,” more “Old Testament energy.”

Political strategist Joey Mannarino labeled Leo a “liberal piece of shit” for his past support of Dreamers, arguing the Catholic Church needs “a pope who carries a glock, not a rosary.”

Laura Loomer joined the pile-on, accusing Leo of supporting “illegal aliens” and promoting “open borders theology,” adding, “If this Pope wants to wash migrants’ feet, he can do it at Gitmo.”

By Thursday night, MAGA forums were circulating wish lists for a “real pope”—preferably one who would revive public stonings, ignore the Sermon on the Mount, and issue daily smitings from the balcony of St. Peter’s.

Catholic scholars noted the outrage largely ignored two thousand years of Church teaching, as well as most of the New Testament. “They seem to think Jesus was a Roman centurion,” one priest observed.

“Love thy neighbor?” one MAGA account replied. “Not if they’re undocumented.”