Sanders Agrees Democrats Keep Rigging Primaries, DNC Promises to Consider Feedback for Next Rigged Primary

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to Bernie Sanders’ casual agreement that Democratic primaries haven’t been fair since 2008, the Democratic National Committee announced Monday it would “take those concerns under advisement” before the midterms.

“Bernie makes some valid points,” said DNC chair Ken Martin, speaking at a closed-door fundraiser sponsored by pharmaceutical lobbyists. “We will absolutely consider them—right after we finish scheduling next year’s primary debates for 2 a.m. on local public access television.”

Sanders’ remark came during a podcast appearance in which he nodded along to the claim that Democratic primaries have been “essentially cooked” for over a decade. The DNC, while rejecting the characterization, admitted in a statement that “cooked” was “probably fair, given we do hold them in catered hotel ballrooms.”

Party insiders say they’re already implementing reforms—including bigger velvet ropes at donor dinners and a new app that instantly blocks grassroots candidates from entering the building.

“We’re committed to hearing from every American,” Martin added, “as long as they’re a bundler, consultant, or distant cousin of a bundler.”

The DNC promised to issue a full report on primary fairness immediately after confirming its pre-rigged midterm nominees.