ICE Descends on Home Depot to Detain Deadly Lawn Guys

LOS ANGELES — Federal officials declared victory Friday after ICE agents descended on a Home Depot parking lot, detaining several “deadly lawn guys” who had been gathering in broad daylight armed with nothing more than work gloves and pickup trucks.

“Americans can sleep soundly knowing these men won’t be terrorizing backyards with their illegal hedge trimming schemes,” an ICE spokesperson announced.

President Trump hailed the raid as proof of his promise to remove the “worst of the worst,” calling the landscapers “a bigger threat than MS-13, because MS-13 doesn’t own this many weed whackers.”

Witnesses, however, noted the detainees looked less like cartel kingpins and more like men in work boots hoping to pick up a shift. “They were waiting for work, not plotting a coup,” said one shopper who came for a box of nails and left with a new fear of buying fertilizer.

Still, ICE insists the Home Depot raid was necessary: “Today it’s lawn guys,” the agency warned, “tomorrow it could be painters.”