Trump Delivers WWE-Style Promo to Army of Buff Loyalists

FORT BRAGG — President Donald Trump turned the Army’s 250th birthday celebration into his own televised smackdown, working the mic and unloading political attacks while a backdrop of handpicked soldiers dutifully played the crowd.

Internal memos confirmed the troops were chosen for political loyalty and “appearance,” with one blunt directive reading: “no fat soldiers.” The end result was a backdrop of chiseled bodies jeering on cue, a military-meets-Monday Night Raw spectacle that would’ve made Vince McMahon proud.

Behind Trump, rows of ripped soldiers roared at his attacks on California Democrats and cheered his vow to “liberate Los Angeles” by sending in Guard troops and Marines to confront protesters.

Observers said the whole event felt choreographed, from the booing crowd to the pop-up MAGA merch stand on Army property, where soldiers picked up Trump chains and novelty “White Privilege Cards.” One officer described the spectacle as “a campaign rally in camo.”

Trump, predictably, stood proud: “Nobody delivers promos like me,” he said. “And our soldiers? They boo better than anybody.”