DNC to David Hogg: Please Stop Trying to Make Us Interesting

WASHINGTON, D.C. — David Hogg has been booted from his role as vice chair of the Democratic National Committee after party leaders determined he had committed the ultimate violation: suggesting the Democrats evolve.

Hogg’s plan to fund primary challenges against “asleep-at-the-wheel” incumbents sent DNC chair Ken Martin into immediate crisis mode. “This is not who we are,” Martin explained. “We’ve always stood for incremental half-measures and funeral-paced change. Sudden shifts like this are not how we operate.”

Sources say Martin grew alarmed when Hogg refused to wall himself off from his group’s primary work, with some leaders privately warning that if progressives kept generating ideas, “party donors could suffer whiplash.”

In a farewell statement, Hogg said Democrats need to be “the best option, not the least-bad one.” His words were quickly ruled improper by DNC officials, who maintain “inspiring voters” falls outside the organization’s charter.

The committee now plans to fill Hogg’s seat with “a sensible, charisma-free option,” reportedly a potted fern that has been attending meetings since 1996.