U.S. Resumes “Life Tax” for Millennials Who Thought Education Would Help

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After four years of pandemic-era leniency, the federal government has resumed collecting overdue student loan payments—reviving one of the nation’s most beloved traditions: financially bludgeoning people for trying to better their lives.

Roughly 3 million borrowers have already seen their credit scores tank, sometimes by over 150 points, after being tossed into delinquency with little or no warning. The government says this is simply part of its new “accountability” initiative, which encourages young Americans to “own up to the mistake of thinking education was worth it.”

“It’s honestly inspiring how creative they get,” said Jamal Burns, 30, who graduated in 2017 with a degree in urban planning and a minor in regret. “My credit score dropped 112 points overnight, which sucks, because I just finished paying off my therapy bills from the last loan-induced panic attack.”

Burns now drives for three different delivery apps and rents a studio apartment he shares with five other people and a Roomba.

Loan servicers have assured borrowers that all delinquent accounts will be handled with “the efficiency and empathy of a DMV on fire,” and that wage garnishment will be rolled out “as soon as we figure out where you’re hiding.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Education encouraged borrowers to remain calm, stay on hold, and try not to think about the fact that their credit score is now lower than their GPA in college.