GOP Panel: ‘We Must Consider the Possibility That Biden Was Merely the Vessel… and the Pen Was Alive’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Six months into Joe Biden’s retirement and four global crises deep, Senate Republicans have finally zeroed in on what they call “the real scandal”: that the former president’s autopen may have achieved sentience and governed in secret.

“We’re not making any accusations,” said Sen. John Cornyn, adjusting his reading glasses while glaring at a grainy photo of a Montblanc. “We’re simply asking: who—or what—was really in control of that pen?”

The committee heard testimony from former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who revealed he once saw Biden “staring into the distance” while a stack of signed orders emerged mysteriously from the Roosevelt Room. “I didn’t see him move his hand,” Spicer said. “Just… papers. Signed. As if by spectral command.”

Republican senators floated several theories: Biden was acting as a “cognitive conduit” for bureaucratic spirits; the autopen contained the soul of FDR; or, most disturbingly, the pen had achieved full legal autonomy and was governing from its own drawer.

Sen. Katie Britt raised the possibility that Biden’s autopen was linked to a dark underground network of “witch-forged” signing tools, hexed during Obama’s second term. “We’ve seen orders appear out of nowhere, late at night, under full moons,” Britt said. “If that’s not occult governance, what is?”

The hearing ended with Sen. Eric Schmitt calling for a forensic exorcism of the Oval Office. “We cannot allow another possessed pen to take control of our democracy,” he warned, solemnly tapping a crucifix against a legal pad.

The pen at the center of the controversy—known internally as “Shadowstroke 46-B”—has refused to testify. But insiders say the last thing it scrawled before being locked away was simply: “I alone can sign it.”