U.S. Begins Limited Airstrike, Public Begins Unlimited Flashbacks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following President Trump’s bombing of Iranian nuclear sites this weekend, millions of Americans immediately entered a state of geopolitical déjà vu, ranging from “mild stomach discomfort” to “full-blown time loop.”

Reports indicate that while the airstrikes were over in minutes, the nationwide emotional spirals are expected to last for months—possibly decades.

“I was 10 when I saw my first Middle East war,” said 93-year-old Harold Densley of Tampa, Florida. “Roosevelt had just sent aid to the British in Palestine and my father told me, ‘Harold, remember this moment—it’s going to keep happening forever.’ He was right. God help me, he was right.”

“I was making a sandwich when the news alert hit,” said Brooklyn resident Dawn Elgin, 41. “Suddenly I was 19 again, watching Wolf Blitzer explain what a ‘no-fly zone’ is while my boyfriend tried to enlist for the oil.”

Even younger Americans were not spared: “I wasn’t born for 9/11, but I’ve heard about it so much I developed secondary war nostalgia,” said 18-year-old Owen Lester. “I think I have PTSD from Call of Duty alone.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters expressed optimism. “This is a limited strike,” said Steve Corbin, 61, of Mesa, Arizona. “It’s not like we’re invading. We’re just dropping bombs, which is totally different. I’ve explained this to my son 14 times while he hyperventilates into a paper bag.”

At press time, CNN had already rolled out their classic “Middle East Situation Room” graphics, complete with holograms, grainy footage of missiles, and a “WAR ALERT” ticker that nobody could turn off.